The First 100 Days

The first 100 days of a new presidency has always been lauded for some reason as a good measure of whether or not they're going to make it as an effective leader. So with the political hype-machine in full effect, I'm going to pour a cup of coffee and document the little mental bits that come to mind as I reflect on my first 100 days with a baby.

- Baby's are surprisingly strong. I mean I can still take them down if I need to, but their grip can be like a power-winch. Especially if your hair is involved.

- Baby poop never truly comes out of clothes. Even if you get it out of the fabric, the mental stains are still there.

- As much as I wanted to believe that the generic store brand (le$$) diapers are just as good as a premium brand, like Pampers®, they aren't. Not even close. The best comparison is the nice toilet paper you use at home to the transparent rice paper they have in airport bathrooms.

- In a short amount of time diaper changing goes from a delicate procedure (removing a kidney) to an exercise in efficiency (pitting out a NASCAR).

- I still stand by my theory that socks you lose in the dryer are compiled by gnomes and restitched into onesies that appear the next time you go to the closest for an outfit. Those things are like kudzu.

- Living room furniture no longer serves as comfortable seating for entertaining, it becomes various staging areas for changing, feeding, playing with your baby. And it all has a faint smell of baby powder now.

- Let's say your big, strong baby happens to some how push himself 18 inches in about 2.1 seconds and slides off your low-riser couch - your heart will skip a beat.

- The amount of home-cooked family breakfasts has increased by 400%. Which is odd, because the new addition can't even eat food yet.

- If you own a beagle, it will howl like a coyote at the moon when your baby cries. It is either part of the pack-mentality or a way for the dog to get you to come in here and shut this thing up.

- The amount of time I have to workout has decreased, yet I've gone down a pant size. I attribute it combined work and baby stress, or I am slowly rotting from the inside out from my caffeine intake.

- If you are about to have a baby and have access to your medical insurance and your spouse's insurance, enroll in both so you are double covered. The monthly premiums will suck, but your total cash layout for the birth almost becomes non-existent. Total medical bills = close to $7500. Our $ spent = less than $500.

- If you are the one that consoles and puts the baby down to sleep, you are hypersensitive to the noises your spouse makes - "Uh, why are you using the microwave?! Did you just flush the toilet!?"

- When your baby is 18lbs at 3 months, the baby carrier feels like an oxen's yoke.

- Parenting magazine is HEAVILY skewed to moms, which is understandable but it took two to tango and it takes two (most of the time) to raise a baby. Oh, and they repeat their tips and article subjects often. I suggest a subscription to Dale Monthly.

- If you're in a crappy mood, the best medicine is a baby smiling at you just because they saw your face. And then if you can make them laugh, you won't even remember what your problem was in the first place.

- I don't baby-talk, but I do speak sing-song-y. Diaper changes or putting on clothes goes so much better if you free-style rap about it or turn it into a rock power-ballad. Plus, it's a baby. He doesn't know how terrible my voice is...yet.

- Benjamin is a large baby. He is often mistaken for a baby many months older, because of his size. When you tell someone his true age their reaction is a cross between, "Clearly you don't know the real age of your baby." and "Are you feeding him calf-starter?"

- Baby and vacation pictures are similar in that you have the nicely posed ones where everyone is smiling and standing in front of some landmark/location. But the pictures you really treasure are the ones that are imperfect, capturing real life in the brief moment in time. Life's not perfect, so your pictures shouldn't be either.

- Time means nothing and everything. It feels like we've had Benjamin for a year already, and I want him to hurry and grow up so we can do some fun stuff. But in the same instant I want to freeze him amber to keep him as this cute giggling baby who doesn't hate me yet.

- The experience of being a parent pulls the curtain back to give you a glimpse of what your parents went through with you. And as I make sacrifices of my time and money for Benjamin, it gives me a new appreciation for the sacrifices they made for me. But I guess that's what parenting is in a nutshell, giving a piece of yourself to someone else so that they can grow and thrive. It's a shame that it can take 30 years for this life lesson to dawn on you.

There you have it. Coffee cup is empty and as if he were cued, Benjamin is crying after his nap. Meaning...(Drums and guitar kick in) "It's TIME TO CHANGE A DIAPER-BAYBEE! YEEAAHHH!!"

Rutbusters

I distinctly remember times when Emily and I were at an eatery or catching a movie (pre-Benjamin) and we would see a couple out with their baby at 11:00PM - Emily and I would give them looks and mutter to ourselves, "Egads, what parents would have their kids out at this time of night?" I would like to apologize to every couple I prejudged, because I have now joined your ranks.

It struck me last Friday night that Fridays used to be special. "C'mon! I'm Friday night, not some run of the mill Tuesday or Wednesday. I have a restaurant named after me for cryin' out loud!"

But sadly our nights were starting to blend together, becoming a bit formulaic. So I made the executive decision after dinner that we're going out somewhere for dessert. Emily's reaction was part glee and part dish-dropping shock - I hate dessert and this was very out of character for me. But we needed what I am dubbing a "Rutbuster."

We eat late, so after dinner meant we rolled up to Cheesecake Factory around 10:30PM. And we had a great time. Some laughs, a little cheesecake and a few couples give us the look I knew all too well. But Emily and I had a Teflon® attitude about the whole thing. We needed some time out doing something out of the norm, even if it was as mundane as Apple Strusel Cheesecake. If they had a problem, well that's their problem.

Driving back home I did try and pinpoint why seeing a couple out sorta late with their baby seemed so wrong. I guess it seemed selfish, as though the couple was imposing their need to have a glass of Reuniti on ice on their hapless baby. I now know how baby's schedule's work - allowing small pockets of time for you to do whatever while they sleep. I also know that baby carriers are like a morphine drip for babies - give them one minute and they're out.

So my final ruling is that some times it's worth putting up with a mildly fussy baby the next day if it means you and the Mrs. get a little respite. I am an advocate for Rutbusting, but not for taking your baby to The Club to get your drink on or to a casino. If you do that, I will slowly shake my head and deep sigh at you.

Ode to a New Mom

(Technically I don't think this qualifies as an ode, work with me)









You are more than a vessel, the bearer of child.
You are a beautiful woman filled with feminine wile.
But there's no denying that you have a new role in life,
To Benjamin you are "mommy" and to me your are "wife"

To proclaim you a Natural would be a disservice,
Because you have discovered your life's one hidden purpose.
And it has opened my eyes to a truer meaning of love,
A passion so pure, so strong it mirrors God up above.

Whether it is changing a diaper or pumping it out,
You broadcast joy from your face when others would shout.
Although he can't speak, I can see it in his eyes,
Benjamin's falling in love with his Mommy even when he cries.

And when he's a little older, I have something to tell him too,
It's what I learned over a decade ago - that I'm so in love with you.

Happy Mother's Day Emily

Secret Admirer XOXO

World's Most Boring Bachelor

First, let me apologize to the three people still reading this about taking forever to write an entry - perfect combination of work, travel and life junk. Now...let's PARTY!!!

Emily has been and will be at a work retreat in east Texas all week. Before you call Child Protective Services and give them my address I should let you know that Benjamin is with her. So not only is Emily being a mommy and a food-source, she is also running a retreat for 50 people. I've already filled out the paperwork for sainthood.

So that leaves lil' ol me at home left to my own devices - this is where the boring comes in. I mentioned my newfound bachelordom to some people at work and they were excited for me, "Aw man, you're gonna go out like EVERY night!" or "Dude you should host like a POKER party or something (high-five)!"

Let's see how I've used my time: cleaned the house, took Schmax on long walks, worked out the proper amount of time I would like to, read some magazines, feared Obama's nomination and played a very humble amount of video games. And the kicker is that I have LOVED every minute of it. Which brings me to the Benjamin related point of reflection, I haven't missed him in the way I hear other people talking about missing their kids or the way they depict it in movies/TV. This makes me ponder again, am I a robot with no heart?

The first thing I did when they left was banish every baby related item back from whence it came in the nursery - I was reminded of what our furniture actually looked like. Then I turned on my euro-techno music to levels that would typically disturb a baby. Followed by Schmax and I roughhousin' all over the place. Which led to using the blender to make a smoothie at 11PM. And all of these small things really made me happy, which is sad.

Do I secretly wish I was single? No. Do I miss the things I did before a baby? There's no deny it, I clearly have not completely severed my ties to the Old World. So now the question is will I harbor ill feelings when Emily and Benjamin come back and I can't be all Burger King and have it my way? No, I'll probably suck it up and keep a stiff upper lip and try to continue being the helpful partner that I've been. But I can tell you this, I'm definitely checking the calendar to see when Emily leaves on her next retreat.

(Good news, I just looked at the clothes basket picture again and I felt a flutter of emotion. Therefore, I am not a robot. 101101001001001!!!!)